please, please, i really don't want to have yet another opportunity pass me by, it's too much of a disappointment.

this job-searching phase has really brought out an insecurity about myself. there is a sickening, oppressive feeling of being judged by the people around me. and there's a feeling of guilt. that in fact, i am really lucky to have my family financially support me while i "take my time" to search for work (apparently, not being able to succeed in the job hunt for the past 6 months somehow suggests that i have not been trying hard enough). every rejection just pushes my spirits down, and they say, move on, move on. it's a learning journey but one which i hope will pass soon. i have to find a way out, whether it's gaining employment or creating my own position.

there are so many negative thoughts floating about in singapore - a horrid narrow-mindedness about success and well-being. all these theories about life and money and work. i'm afraid of being just like everyone else. a mind-numbing spiral. at the same time, i know there isn't 'much' to look forward to in amsterdam. i gave myself 6 months in europe to search for work, and while i have been working, i don't feel like i've achieved much in the material sense (irony?!). but i do know that i have a much calmer and more positive attitude there, and i feel so much more like myself with a vision. i wish, i wish, i knew how to make firmer decisions.

(i wish that g was with me. he brought all his stuff with him to amsterdam. why did he not stay? why did we not plan things better? when will our time come?)