i don't know if i should do what i think is right / realistic, or what i feel is right. every part of me resists being here in amsterdam. i break out in cold sweat. i've never felt so physically and emotionally against a decision, and yet i went through with it, with extending my visa. what do i want? what do i want???
what i want, first of all, is to see g. i miss him so much and we haven't seen each other for a year now, and i don't know how much longer we can last in this way. then i would like to travel a little. and start my own collection (where? i don't know either). but my mind and my hands are itching and dreaming and concrete ideas are forming in my head and it's partly from the giddiness of my years at amfi and that final graduation show. i am at my best, and i feel the happiest when i can work freely, creatively, daringly. the main issue is that i don't have the finances and as much as everyone tells me that this isn't a problem because my dad can support me, and i know he will, i don't want that help anymore. the thought of it stresses me out. i think most of all, i'm afraid of making the wrong decision, and i'm afraid of being judged for making the wrong decision. it seems like i should be realistic - which is why i got into the whole fervor of applying for jobs - which isn't so bad, and actually very encouraging. but something inside of me just hasn't been able to come to terms with my situation. it feels like things are happening without me having full control, and yet i know that i'm the one who made these choices.
argh. at a loss.